Thursday, August 26, 2010
There's nothing I can say now because I'm feeling numb. Sometimes, I don't know why I can't forgive myself for imperfections. Perhaps, I'm a weirdo. Well, who cares? I'm tired of people who demand the best from me. I just can't do it. When I did it, you said nothing and when I didn't, you reprimanded me. Is this something a parent should do? Don't think that you're giving me the best of everything because you aren't. I get scolded for something I didn't mean for it to happen. Seriously, I feel that even if I do really well in something, nobody is going to recognise it.
I don't like my personality. I hate being a perfectionist but I can't help it. Someone, just save me out of this! Let me tell you. This totally sucks because nothing is perfect. But why must I need everything to be perfect before I'm satisfied? Today, it's my birthday. I didn't enjoy it except for the cards and presents. Regine, Jia Hui 12, Hui Jiung, Mei Hang, Quek Xue and the other people who contributed to my awesome birthday present, thank you. :D I really loved them. Especially the Eeyore! Hehe. But, it's not time to be happy because I broke it. I broke it myself. Here I am, slacking again, when I'm supposed to study for my Chinese test tomorrow. I don't want to disappoint everyone but my heart is ruling my head. I feel very sleepy now. I want to sleep but I can't. I slept at 1 yesterday and had lessons till 2.30. I really really love to study? But I don't want it to be so stressful that I can't sleep at night. I don't like what I'm doing. They aren't fun at all.
I'm such an awesome weirdo. I guess I would take a long time to accept and face reality. Though it's cruel, I can't do anything. I lost it myself. Maybe, if you were me, you wouldn't feel so upset because you aren't me and I'm unique. I just have to stop myself from striving perfection. Too much of everything isn't good. Anyways, I'm a nerd. I'm hyper, random and emo at the same time. I'm such a sucky weirdo. Yup, over and gone, those are what I should say. I don't like explaining too much. I don't understand why people aren't putting the effort to know me better. Whatever. So I don't deserve to be noticed in any way. I don't know why, very often when I want to write a happy post, it would naturally become something sad. I'm a sadist. Stop expecting anything from someone useless like me. (Don't worry, I don't mean it. I'm still cheerful and confident.) I won't let anything trip me even though I realised that I'm not that strong after all. You can say that I cry easily but I don't show it. What I do is to smile. :) I'm tired already so I've decided to stop.
Ps. Imperfections.
Cheryl ♥ Agent Eeyore
4:09 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2010
"Everyone says love hurts, but that isn't true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."
Really? o.O Maybe. Envy really hurts. I've experienced it before. Now, I'm still experiencing it. I'm trying my best to forget it and concentrate on studying. Everyone is capable of reminding me about things I don't want to remember. Does anyone ever notice that I'm hurt by all these crap? Stop talking about it, will you? I'm already struggling to forget everything and here you are, reminding me. I tried so hard but it didn't work. Should I believe Xuanyu that I still have a second chance? It's not only this that is hurting me. I still have to act like I don't mind and continue to try to do better.
"
It's tough when someone special starts to ignore you. But it's even tougher to pretend that you don't mind."
Yup, I so agree with that. I've decided to not care anymore though. In the end, everyone is going to hurt you. Family, teachers, friends and classmates or even people you don't even know hurt you. What can you expect?
Am I going to fail Geog? Do you know that I can't afford to? Thanks, Hannah, for knowing it so well. I can't suffer any more mental torture. It's horrible.
Know why I posted this picture? I feel that it describes me very well. I'm a lonely balloon sitting at the side of the road which doesn't catch any attention. A balloon bursts with a prick. I'm hurt easily, you see. Get it?
I was damn pissed off yesterday because I got scolded for nothing. Again. All my dad did was to continue driving. I remembered how he shouted at me when we got off the car. Hey, it wasn't my fault at all. You guys call and said you reached school already. Nobody expected that we would be so late. The estimated time was 10.30 but it wasn't confirmed. What's the problem with you? Did you ask for my opinion? Apparently, you didn't. You only knew how to scold me. You only waited for me for an hour! Think about how long I waited for you when you shopped. If you don't know how to spare a thought for people, shut up. I worked so hard yesterday and I was very tired already. Fine, you didn't go there to support me. I don't really care. Must you scold me when it wasn't even my freaking fault? And, only irresponsible people like you 拍拍屁股就走了. Not me. I don't want to give a damn anymore. Thanks so much for ruining my life.
Ahh! I'm damn stressed out now! I need a second chance. I have to score very well for Geog!
Ps. I'm so tired.
Cheryl ♥ Agent Eeyore
9:25 PM
Is it true that after every thunderstorm, there would be a rainbow? Well, I don't agree. Although it would be sunny again after the thunderstorm, you never know when it's going to start again. I'm tired of repeating the same thing again and again. So what if life sucks? You can't do anything about it. I'm not being optimistic here. I just want to do something big in life, before I die. I know that it's hard. I will try.
Regrets. It's a strong word, huh? I regretted letting my head rule my heart when I bought my earphones. I regretted totally. Really. But, that isn't the point. The point is that I didn't cherish what I had and now, they are gone. Gone. Yeah. That means, I would never have them again. Actually, I don't think I'm as emo as SY. You can't imagine how emo she is. Perhaps, that isn't called emo. It's when your heart is already dead. Dead. My heart is partially dead, not totally. I still have this wish to cling onto life. I still want to continue living, although I don't know what it is for.
Thanks for everything, Heaven. I mean it. Because of these obstacles, I'm growing up to become someone better. Who doesn't make mistakes or fail in life? There is always some time to hit rock bottom. It's just when you're going to. I've been really upset these days but I'm going strong. It's okay. (I'm kind of disgusted by what I'm writing now.) I might not seem to be so mature in my thinking but I am. Yup.
Everything changed. I wanted everything to stay the same but feelings fade and people change. (Does this sound familiar, SY?) I'm trying very hard to get that feeling back. The feeling when 6 Joy'09 was so... :) I miss 6 Joy'09. Aww. People change. This is definitely true. I changed too. I think I grew up. ^^
He also changed. That's a sad thing to me. I don't like this at all.
Ps. You would never get enough.
Cheryl ♥ Agent Eeyore
9:14 PM
MacBook
